Phones

Caution. Do not hand a phone of any sort, especially your brand new smartphone or iPhone to a brown parent over the age of 55.

True story: Brown people love to talk. They will talk about almost any topic under the sun and they enjoy enforcing their opinions on everyone around them.

Case in point: My mother. My mother talks on the phone an average of 4 and a half hours a day. What does she talk about? You name it: politics, clothes, daily activities, and, the big one, gossip. She talks endlessly about this person or that person for hours at a time.

We made the mistake of giving my mom an iPhone. Now she FaceTimes constantly. She can't figure out how to take pictures, though she insists on trying to, and ends up taking 2 second videos. She subscribed to getting texts from a local hip-hop station despite the fact that she hates those "gangsters". Each month, she manages to go over the data limit but claims that she doesn't use her phone at all. Now I love my mother, but this is crazy.

Moral of the story: Just don't do it. Stick with landlines for brown parents.

Slumdog Millionaire

As far as movies are concerned, brown people usually have a large range. Except for two essential brown movies, Slumdog Millionaire and Gandhi. Since Gandhi is usually also watched by a lot of white people, I'm just going to focus of Slumdog Millionaire. The day this movie came out in DVD, I swear, every brown family in the area went and watched it. And forced their children to watch it. And their grandchildren.
Why?
Because brown people are insanely proud of this movie, even if they don't really understand what the characters are saying in English, or even why they are talking in English if they haven't have any formal education whatsoever. It proves to them that the Western world does acknowledge their culture.
The main problem I have with the movie, as can be seen implied above, is that it is in English. There are beautiful movies that aren't English that the English audience can come to love (Pan's Labyrinth). Why is it in English? It doesn't give the plot any more meaning or strengthen the movie's film aspects.
If anything, this decision devalues the intelligence of the audience's ability to transcend language barriers.  
However, the movie is well-shot, well-acted and the like.
Perhaps even more important for the brown audience, it received recognition, something they can always brag about.
Watch the movie, or at least imdb it so that you can casually bring it up in conversation with your brown crush to demonstrate your understanding of brown culture.
And forever more shall Jai Ho be played at almost every brown wedding ever.

Saris

Something about the Bengali wedding season prompts any Bengali woman to take out these devastatingly complicated, beautiful and ridiculously expensive cloths out of the closet. Any normal person would look at the hours needed to put on the cloth properly, along with the ever-present blouse and skirt, and the effort needed to maintain the correct posture throughout an evening, as too much work for too little reward. Not brown women.
To these slightly demented ladies, the process of wearing a sari is part of its charm. From personal experience, at least, I can claim that this true. You begin the process feeling slightly irate. However, as the silky, soft texture of the sari wraps around your body, you feel more and more...well...elegant and grown-up. Perhaps by wearing the sari, the emblem of maturity, we pretend to be more mature in our actual lives.
As with much in the brown culture, the sari has become more and more scandalous by the year. For proof, just look at those sheer ones. Or the ones sans blouse. I shudder to think of the sari sans skirt. They have become increasingly more patterned with grotesque designs, sequins and oh-so-dull gold and patterns. And I can't even discuss the atrocious gold jewelry.

Thus, if you are that brown girl with that special brown guy whose family you just have to impress, I would suggest wearing a traditional sari in a refreshing, pale color with a decent blouse. Like this maybe:
 

Ladoos

Talk about a ladoo in front of any brown person, and you'll see their face light up. These ladoos are little yellow nuggets of, what else, yellow rice stuck together with a lot of sugar and a mysterious fat-thing. The balls are perfect for almost any brown occasion, including but not limited to casual encounters with friends, the latest Sharukh Khan movie outing, Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Ghum reruns, weddings, funerals and of course, Bengali melas.
You can buy them anywhere, but for the best diarrhea-inducing version, try Bengali street stores in Jackson Heights. Try not to be disgusted by the dirty floors, the buzzing flies or the plates that look like they haven't been washed in forever. Just remember that this is what people mean when they talk about "cultural outing." Presenting a box of these ladoos will get you endeared to that significant other brown person, or at least to their family.

Melas

Melas: Country fair, rock concert, fashion show, talent show and all brown. If you haven't visited your local mela yet, I highly recommend it. In Europe, these can be rare to find in rural areas, but in America they happen usually once a month around major cities, generally in run-down elementary or middle schools. To avoid being the sole white person there, though, I advise bringing friends, pre-gaming and bringing about $50 for entrance fees.
These programs usually start with a light children's performances. Usually, these involve some really nervous kids singing along to Bengali remixes. Then there's some dance to classic Bengali songs meshed with these irritating DJ beats. This is a fairly new phenomena whereby perfectly amazing songs are ruined in an effort to connect to the so-called ignorant youth. Don't expect any hi-fi Bollywood dancing, though, these dancers only hop and sway.
After this, there's usually some sort of intermission where the Bengalis, who've been talking incessantly, the entire time, now have a mass exodus into the cafeteria. If you follow them, you'll find several stalls selling all kinds of brown stuff like ladoos, most forms of rice, saris and even illegal books. This is the perfect place to find a gift for that special brown person in your life, but be warned the level of noise and heat rivals that of any concert easily.
During the intermission, there will be several announcements telling the group to get back in the auditorium which will be prominently ignored. In fact, only after 20 minutes after intermission will the group reluctantly come back into the auditorium. The second part of these programs features long wandering songs during which you have ample time to evaluate your life and wonder how you ended up in such a desolate place after all. Or nap.
Generally, the last performers are the most important. The crowd will get rowdy, or as rowdy as Bengalis can get. There will be a few fat(ish) lowlife, usually high, 28 to 30 year old males who will come to the front of the auditorium and start dancing, sorta. They will then be ordered to the back to the auditorium and continue shouting.
Shortly thereafter, the program has ended. As you head home, tired, confused and in dire need of aspirin, you will face a huge traffic jam as the brown people slowly filter away.
On second thought, maybe going to one of these events isn't in your main interest.

Rice

Rice. This is the food that pops up in your head whenever you think of Southeast Asians. Admit it.
 I have yet to meet a family where rice wasn't an integral part of the brown diet.In a brown family, you don't even have to ask if there's rice for dinner. In fact, you should be reasonably concerned about the alleged brownness of the family if there is no rice for dinner. That said, the rice can be served in a number of different ways. The reliance on rice probabbly comes from the fact that rice is one of the few grains that can grow in Bangladesh's weirdly marsh-type soil.
In lower-income families, the rice is usually served on cracked plates (beware of cockroach droppings) with simple sides of fried fish or oily chicken or likely both. In more high-class places, however, you will find that stronger plates, less oil and maybe some vegetables. If you, at any point, find yourself eating rice with only vegetables, then know you are in a very classy place indeed and must act accordingly.
The Bengalis have a very strict way of eating rice. You may think that it is allright to just spoon the damned little white pieces into your mouth but to a Bengali that's a grave affront. The rice must be shoveled into your mouth at top speed with a fork, never a spoon. Also, if at all possible (i.e. if the Bengalis are not around other Bengalis) the rice is simply shoved into the mouth with a hand.
Also, the source of the rice is a matter of pride to the average day Bengali. You can't just go into your local supermarket and buy some Uncle Ben's. No, you have to travel for forty minutes to a shady Bengali store. In the aforementioned store, you must travel to the corner with the spiderwebs. Next, you have to hover around the sever different brands of rice, contemplating the texture, color, the possibility of vermin inside the rice, the expense and finally, the quality of the brand name. After all this, you simply chose Tilda. Next, you have to haul the load, somehow pay the greasy cashier and then drive home with your precious cargo. For Bengalis in Europe, this method is considerably long. Thus, when these people buy their rice, it's usually four or five bags for 3 months. This is one of the sole workouts a Bengali person does.
Finally, you may think that the rice is prepared using very traditional, long Bengali methods. Don't be fooled. The rice is simply washed once with water and then put into a rice-cooker. Then it is taken out and enjoyed with the aforementioned side-dishes.
 There are several ways to use this to your advantage. First, only buy Tilda brand rice. Next, purchase a rice-cooker and figure out how to properly misuse it. Then cook your rice. Finally, pop down to your local supermarket and grab some Indian microwaveable crap. Prep those and serve to the brown people you need stuff from. These people will be reminded of their childhood as they eat the rice and you in return will get whatever you asked for.

Shutki

Mention shutki to any brown person and you will receive one of the following reactions: 1) a sympathetic head shake as the person mourns with you the creation of this pungent, horrid dried fish or 2) an enthusiastic and hungry look as the person assumes that you will now feed them this delicious treat.

The mixed reactions is one of the more interesting parts of Bengali culture, at least in my mind. It's the greatest example of the shift in generations as ever. Older Bengalis love this food because it reminds them of home, of the war and their survival of it. They are proud to have their own smell.

Younger Bengalis hate it because...well it smells like dried fish. It's also a reminder of Bangladesh, something associated with restrictions. No matter which way they look at shutki, it doesn't have the deeper meaning it has for older Bengalis.

These morsels or terrible packets of awful can be found at your local shady brown store. Just ask the creepy manager and he'll lead to the treasure/terror with a smile on his wrinkled face.

Remember, you can enjoy these whenever, but preferabbly near brown people spot, like Brick Lane, so you can enjoy the compliments of many.